Disclaimer: this narrative contains use of explicit language and description of sensitive aspects of author’s life. Therefore, parental advice and other cautionary restrictions are advisable. The purpose of writing this piece is not injure, hurt or disrepute identity of any individual, group, community or institution mentioned. The intent is purely therapeutic, personal growth and development. The author will not take responsibility of any unforeseen harm that may be caused by it. It is advisable to consult a trained practitioner in the field before attempting any practice mentioned in the narrative.    

The trigger

It’s Friday evening. I am back home from work; relaxing on my bed and watching my favourite thing: Teal Swan’s Synchronization Workshop. I don’t remember exactly when it gripped me. I was in its spell without me knowing it. I was suddenly surrounded with clouds of numbness and found

myself sinking into a void. ‘I am so familiar with this sensation; I know it since I don’t know how long now’ I later realized. ‘Not again’ I said to myself when it took me over and I was really triggered.

How the hell was I triggered in the first place? As I set about to rewind, it suddenly occurred to me that my father was vehemently yelling at a person on his phone a couple of minutes before. He was swearing like a slum fella, constantly threatening the other guy with his powers, prowess, and his networks to make an impression about what he could do to him.

The coping strategy

Even sensing the trigger and gaining some awareness, the void feeling didn’t diminish and I was reluctant to focus my conscious awareness on it. I was constantly avoiding going deep into it which is so familiar and yet strange. I was continuously distracting myself the whole evening and the next day until I was so frustrated that I finally decided to move into it.

I closed my eyes and focused my consciousness on my bodily sensations. But soon I got entangled with my thoughts. I was totally confused and lost. Tension and tightness began to build up. I was engulfed by the flood of anxiety. It felt like blood was gushing in my head. I had no clue to what was happening to me. But my body alerted me something was going wrong. I immediately stopped doing Emotional Vipassana[1] and came back to conscious perspective. I was feeling so helpless and powerless; to release this unwanted feeling.

I distracted myself with reading, watching porn, masturbating, watching crappy stuff on YouTube; and commenting and helping people on Teal Tribe and the Completion Process Community on Facebook. This pattern of mine runs more or less like an addiction. Now I can really appreciate, feel and see what most addicts might go through on a daily basis to avoid pain which is actually a result of this internal resistance which not many psychotherapists, psychologists and psychiatrists are able to recognize and deal with. Some people may find it strange to believe how helping people and reading can be addictive. But it is true. Addiction is not just about alcoholism; it can be about anything that keep your conscious mind away from the original pain.

Resisting the resistance

On Saturday evening, I was in an absolute state of restlessness. The pain was never ending. Fatima (my wife) and I decided to go out for dinner. I hoped that going out, sitting in an open space would help me to ease out a bit so that my muddled mind could have a needed respite and change. I ordered ginger milk tea, checked my smartphone and randomly came across a post by Teal Swan on the global CPCP group. It was a response to a CPCP. She said:

“You’re missing something… you don’t need to do CP in this moment on money or relationships… It needs to be on the feeling that no matter what you do, nothing will ever change! That is the pattern that is stuck and unresolved and therefore keeping your vibrations the same.”

This comment just struck me. What sort of patterns am I stuck in and that are unresolved, no matter what I do? Taking these questions back to my life when I look around I find that whenever I make an effort to do something, I go a little forward, then something happens to me and I am back to square one. This is a repetitive pattern and a loophole that I feel I am stuck in. From this perspective, life for me is hell hard; and everything has to be earned and deserved before I get it. There is no easy way out for me.

During these reflections a guy that was channeled by Teal in her Portland Synchronization Workshop 2019 expectedly waved through my mind. The channeled part reacted as if in his life he had experienced a very traumatic accident, and a part of him was in utter shock, stuck right there and seized in time. And from then onwards this shocked self was still there; watching that site in an apathetically awed way; and was never able to join him in the present. While I was thinking about that guy and his shocked self at the dinner table, I was already into this feeling.

A Dutch Dogger Carrying Away her Sprit | Stanfield, William Clarkson R.A

When I checked into my sense of stuckness, I found it very close to that shocked self. But I wasn’t sure ‘why the hell am I resisting to feel this feeling?’ I gathered that the answer to my question was in my very question: I was gifted with this thought/revelation that I already knew but haven’t organically experienced it through my being: I WAS ACTUALLY RESISTING MY RESISTANCE 😀

That thought just opened up a mysterious dungeon in me, but I had no access to it. But now, I felt like a new stream of energy was injected within me. The pressure in the pressure cooker was suddenly off. I said to myself, it was so simple and ‘out there’ but my vision was blurred by the fog of resistance and I was recurrently failing to see it. Within this new awareness, I quickly posted my situation on ‘Julia’s inner child playground and healing community’ and asked for help and validations. I was so exhausted and drained by the time that I didn’t want to bear it alone anymore. I also scheduled a Skype call with Claire Morisseau, a CPCP to help me unpack my resistance. I wasn’t able to sleep the entire night and was constantly shifting sides.

The realization

On Sunday night, Claire, my friend, channeled[2] into her guide to help me understand this subconscious side of mine. Her guide said that an aspect of me is frozen in time somewhere. It is immensely stressed out and it needs to be calmed down. This aspect needs to be treated as if it is a separate individual within me; I need to understand this part, comfort it, be gentle on it; share my unconditional presence with it; and take measures to provide a feeling of safety to it. The guide also proposed ways that I can use to provide comfort and safety.

Initially, I wasn’t able to relate to the guide’s messages. But when I started to examine my life and asked where and in what ways I seek comfort and safety, things began to reveal itself. And finally, to my surprise, I could see how in round-about-ways I seek comfort and safety in my relationships, in my work, and in places I go for leisure. It dawned upon me that there is a big split within myself. My vulnerable-self really feels powerless and hopeless about worldly situations and is in dire need of comfort and safety. But my shame-self, shaped by my family and peer socialization, doesn’t believe that one should feel this way because ‘real men never cry’ and they are ‘brave like a lions’. I vividly remember my childhood memories when I used to be ridiculed and labelled as a ‘phusan’ (literally, an arrant coward) by my father, uncles and other cousins when I used to cry.

In contrast, my protector-self wants to achieve financial independence and experience abundance. Feeling powerlessness is an absolute crap, it is a deviation from his standpoint from the pragmatic agenda. In fact, it hates feeling powerlessness because it is a ridiculous thing to feel. And it does not want to be that arrant coward. A major task of this aspect is to constantly bully shame-selves to be ‘on track’ and don’t go into feeling such shit.[3]  With this new awareness, the whole internal dynamics of mine was getting clearer and clearer to me.

For the sake of adding fun to this story and for those who are from South Asian background, I want to give these splits a desi (literally ‘local’) touch. Here I would like to introduce three famous characters of a grand Indian epic movie from the 1960s called ‘Mughal-e-Azam’ (The Great Mughal Emperor). These characters precisely represent that ongoing internal tug of war.

Salim is the one and only son of the emperor and represents vulnerable-self. He is looking for unconditional loving presence and care but cannot find it in his immediate familial realities. But he finds his love of life in shape of a court dancer called Anarkali, symbolizing my shame-self. Anarkali also loves Salim but feels powerless in the hands of social norm and cultural ideologies because a court dancer cannot be a prince’s bride. She carries these seeds of doubts but also cares for Salim’s feelings. Salim’s father, on the other hand, the great grand emperor Akbar, is duty bound to his dynasty and his rules, and acts like my protector-self. He despises the lover affair to his core and considers it an ancestral breakdown. Knowing that his son (my vulnerable aspect) is going to ruin everything, he plots an ugly scheme. He drugs Salim in the middle of night (numbing out any feelings) and summons his soldiers to brick Anarkali up in between four walls so that she peacefully succumbs to death on her own. While Salim was given the impression that Anarkali has betrayed him and has gone forever.

New awareness and release

This internal tug of war had not been visible to me in my entire life. I became curious to search for answers to these questions: why am I unconsciously seeking comfort and safety? What happened to me in my childhood that made me lose my sense of security? Which emotional wounds are causing me to seek comfort in women, pleasure, and helping others? What are the positive intentions behind distracting myself into certain additions (reading, helping, knowing one’s self, seeking pleasure in watching porn etc.)?

As I recollected, powerlessness, hopelessness and despair appeared to be perennial emotional themes in my life, especially around feelings of hurt and resentment. I am deeply, deeply hurt by not having gotten my need for comfort, safety, and unconditional loving care met from my mother. I have always craved for this and still crave it like an infant. The narcissistic abuse from my father robbed every single drop of self-concept that I had in my childhood. Love for me, was and is for certain aspects of mine, a transaction. When I tried to fulfil my emotional, social and physical needs, I had to enslave myself, and therefore I was never able to fulfil them. Perhaps a part of me still needs and wants his approval. I became hyper alert about what people thought and felt about me instead of what felt good to me. My entire adult life is nothing but a retelling of my childhood story, which I now begin to make sense of. But the sad part to me is not these feelings and emotions but the coping mechanism I learned to adapt into in order to resist those feelings and emotions. That’s the deadly mechanism that is hard to detect and heal. I gather that emotions such as powerlessness are neither good nor bad. They are just emotions. It is the pressure on man to be masculine and to perceive vulnerability as weak that causes most of the pain and creates resistance. 

In the beginning, I wasn’t aware of this internal tug of war and was constantly trying to push it away or bulldoze it. Even the intention of doing CP was a huge trap. Subconsciously, I wanted to fix this aspect of mine; because I so much hated it; I resented it for not letting me do what I wanted to do in life; I really wanted to settle the records with this part once and forever; I was done with years of fighting and battling. I was complaining to my vulnerable self that it doesn’t listen to the kind of struggle I have to go through on a daily basis – the pretend game, just to keep surviving on this harsh planet. Why can’t he just end this fucking piece of loose shit. If he is to stuck here we won’t be able to leave this shitty place of my father and that crappy job that I so fucking hate.

Once I was able to access the internal dialogue between my vulnerable and protector self, the ice began to melt on the iceberg.

Melting of the ice

On Monday morning, I received an unexpected guest in the office, a senior student of mine. He shared his frustration with me about the university system and how powerless he feels in his life after his mother’s demise. His daughter is also ill and he has been advised by a close friend to see a psychiatrist for a personal issue. He said he used Prozac for few days but immediately stopped taking it because of effects it was making on his mind and body. He is a sensitive being and couldn’t stop crying when I tried to validate his feelings. He hugged me when he departed.

Same day in the evening, I was wrapping up my stuff to leave from office. A female student came and shared her apprehension around conducting research. She was nervous and thought that she won’t be able to make it. Tears were bursting into her eyes. I helped her in fine tuning her research questions and her proposal began to take shape. She was quite guilty of ‘taking so much of my time’ and was afraid of my expectations towards her thesis. Shame was the primary emotion I sensed that she was struggling with. She was helpless in changing this pattern of social relationships when I further probed into her.

When I reached home, I began reflecting on these two incidents. Why did I attract these two people today who cried in front me and with more or less same issue? They were quite vulnerable about their feelings in front me. It has never happened in my whole life in this department. I was wondering, have I integrated something? Is that why I can see in others what I am going through? My heart hesitantly said YES, they were the messengers telling me that I have attempted to embrace my vulnerability, and by doing so also endeavoured to own my protector self.

From then onwards I felt that a subtle shift had taken place in me. I couldn’t stop crying when this realisation of what happened to me since my childhood soaked in. I could see wounds on both the aspects of myself. ‘I should treat myself in a gentler way’ was the immediate thought went across my head. At that point of time, I felt an out pour of new energy within, of taking care of these aspects, whether they will heal or not. I must take their responsibility. A wave of natural compassion towards these parts is heading up. The more I see them, the more I am drawn towards connecting with them.

Postword

The medical and human sciences field have failed to eliminate human suffering to date. The reason being their inability to engage with the reality of internal fragmentation and resistance between different aspects of selves. As public health professional, I have seen many mega and multibillion research and development projects having zero or limited impact on people’s health and wellbeing at the grassroots level. Normally, once the funding gets over, their so called ‘impact’ that is shown on papers and reports start to crumble. It is not just me telling you what happens, it is well documented and established phenomenon with evidence base. And once they fail to make any difference, the blame game begins instead: the poor is blamed for being in the poverty; women are being blamed for being in their victimhood mentality; and mentally ill people are blamed for being lazy and self-sabotaging.

Very few people, programs and places are really interested in unravelling what is happening inside a human being on an emotional, energetic and vibrational level; and really appreciate why people are who they really are at the first place; and why they reject behavioural change strategies that we so enthusiastically apply; and why exorbitant projects and interventions won’t work even for generation if people’s internal realities and collective consciousness are not shaped and focused.


[1] Emotional Vipassana is the second step of the Completion Process, a method of trauma recovery discovered by Teal Swan. In this step, we explore the bodily sensation and identify the underlying emotion, and are present with it. We give this message to ourselves that we are ‘completely here with them no matter what’.

[2] Channeling, in this context, is a process of taking on or embodying somebody’s unconscious/subconscious mind to reveal information and insights that are not available to the conscious mind.

[3] For an elaborated understanding of these splits, from where I first came to learn about them, is found in ‘The Anatomy of Loneliness: How to Find Your Way Back to Connection”, authored by Teal Swan. The book is available for purchase on amazon.com.

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